Friday, February 18, 2011

I just want to start off saying that I HATE CANCER!  It just seems like these past few weeks I have heard of too many little ones dying from this horrible disease.  Each time I learn about another little innocent child who has lost their battle with cancer its like a giant kick in the gut.  It literally makes me sick. I cant just hear about it and say "Thats so sad" and then go about my day like nothing has happened anymore.  Its so personal to me now and I just sit here and ache for those families and for another life taken.  This last boy I heard about kind of did a number on me because he reminded me too much of Skyler.  Their stories are just too similar.  I know we have been so blessed, Skyler is doing amazing right now but its so scary not knowing how all of this is going to turn out.  We still have three years left of treatment and then a life time full of worrying about that dreaded "R" word.  Relapse.  I will never again just think "Oh he just has a cold, or he's just achy from a little bug"  No, in the back of my mind I will always be thinking "Is this something more? Is it back?"  Life will never be the same, and I fear I will always have this crazy cancer parent mind.
I have, however, learned just how precious life is.  I really am so grateful for every minute I get to spend with Skyler.  Even though I am so tired alot of the time and would just love to lay down and sleep, I think back to those awful months when I prayed with everything in me for just one more chance to play with Sky again and it quickly puts everything back into perspective.  I get my second wind and go have fun with my son.  Thats another thing I have learned, to have fun.  I take the time now to actually play with him, laugh with him, and really have fun with him.  Not only is he my son, he is also my best friend.
This last little while has been so hard on me mentally and emotionally.  The reality and devastation of cancer is just so depressing.  But I can also say that I have received more blessings in these past five and a half months than I ever have before.  I put this quote on my wall a couple years ago and I think its so appropriate now.  "Life is not about weathering the storm, it's about learning to dance in the rain." 

7 comments:

Amy Stewart said...

Crystal I love you and just know you are not alone, I am always here for you if you need anything. You are such an amazing person and so very strong. You guys are always in our prayers.

Amy Young said...

You are NOT alone. We are all here cheering you and Skyler on and praying. Your devotion to your son is so amazing. I have a quote for you too. One I liked when my son was so very, very sick.

"Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is a quiet voice
at the end of the day, saying: I will try again tomorrow."
Mary Anne Radmacher
Keep up the good work momma, and Skyler too!

Jami N. said...

I too have personally felt the sting of cancer this week as we lost my cousin's husband to leukemia a few days ago. You said it well, though...it really does put life into perspective, and makes you appreciate the tiny little things in this life.
You are such a great mom to Skyler. It brightens my day to see him doing so well.

Victoria said...

I've been reading your blog for a while now, but have never commented. I just wanted you to know that Im praying for you all. You have been such an encouragement to me as I fight my own battle with my health. Thank you for reminding me to dance in the rain. Sometimes I forget that when it feels like this disease is defeating me. My 18th birthday is next week and I hope and pray that I have the strength that you have to face everyday. Thank you for sharing your story.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Psalm 73:26

Victoria

Amanda said...

Thank you for sharing this post. You are so honest. Cancer Sucks but I am so happy that we all have each other to lean on. Love you and love that little guy of yours.

Marrelli's said...

Crystal- This is Holly (Rudd) Marrelli. I have been reading your blog and praying for little Skyler. You have so much courage! Way to go. Anyway seeing Skyler doing the little Lowes craft reminded me- my kids love to do those crafts also and I have a big box of past crafts that Skyler could have to build if you are interested. I would love to help in some way. If not it is no big deal but if you want them just email me- holdol@gmail.com!

Briana said...

crystal, you are such a great example to me. i'm totally guilty of just trying to keep my kids busy most days and getting annoyed by them too often and counting down until nap time, etc. i swore i wouldn't be like that anymore after elena was diagnosed and yet i still am. i really appreciated what you said in this post - it was a great reminder to me to try again and to see my kids through different eyes - they really are so precious! thanks! you are a FANTASTIC mom!