Thursday, May 3, 2012

Dear Ben,


I can't believe its been four years today since you have been gone.  It still feels like yesterday that we said goodbye and Skyler and I gave you our last kiss as you lay there so still.  I don't know why your journey here are earth was so short, perhaps it was to carry Skyler through his journey with cancer from heaven.  Maybe it was your purpose to be with our son through those months in PICU when he was in his induced coma so you could comfort him and urge him to keep fighting.  My only comfort through those agonizing days, weeks and months when his mind wasn't with me was knowing  that he was probably getting to see his daddy again.  Ben you would be so proud of our son.  He is so strong and is handling everything that has been thrown at him with courage and an attitude that I know I couldn't have if I had to go through what he has been through.  Its been so hard to do this without you, but its comforting to know that you are with him in a different sense and always watching over him.  He is also so much like you.  He has such a tender heart like you did.  He loves giving presents and can never wait until the actual day of my birthday to give me his present, just like you.  He also is so picky with his food and cant have anything touching each other on his plate.  He definitely didn't get that from me because as you know I like to mush everything together.  Its these little things that you used to do that make me smile and will always remind me of you.


We went to your grave today and Skyler gave you a pinwheel and some butterflies to make you smile.  Ben, he loves you with all his heart and misses you so much.  He still remembers playing with the hair on your chin and playing hide and seek from grandma Kathy under blankets.  He tells me everyday how much he misses and loves you.  Sometimes he even starts crying and says he cant go to sleep without a daddy.  I tell him that you are always with him and that if he closes his eyes he can dream about playing with you again.  Skyler is also pretty sure that you are working on making him a game room in heaven, so just a heads up in case you haven't started it yet :)


Ben I love you with all my heart.  It will be a wonderful day in heaven when we get to see you again!


Love and miss you,
Crystal




10 comments:

bradkimberleefam said...

This breaks my heart, you have been through so much! You are such a strong woman!

Steve said...

Very Nicely written. Beautiful and woderful. Steve

Kristy Rogers said...

I can barely see though my tears! It broke my heart to read your beautiful letter. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and all that you have gone through with Skyler's cancer. You are an amazing person Crystal! Know that you and Skyler are in our prayers!

lea said...

I don't know how you do it...you are amazing. I know Ben has been watching over you and Skyler and is so proud of BOTH of you! Thank you for sharing these thoughts with us. Sometimes we all need a reminder of whats really important...family.

susi and adam said...

Thank you forsharing this.....im so sorry for the pain you have had to deal with in this life...it seems as if you were given way more than most people could endure but you both have handled this with so much grace, courage and determination. Thank you for touching my life... Hugs to you both on this very tender day.

Mandy said...

I don't know you.. but I know the Carvers and I have heard amazing things about you. You and your son are so brave. Thank you for sharing. We all have our struggles, there is no doubt in that but sometimes they seem so unfair. Thank you for writing so honestly - :)

suzie said...

WOW WOW WOW......I am a bawling mess right now after reading ur beautiful post to ur ben. Crystal u and skyler are honestly the most AMAZING people I know. U guys both truly are my hero's. Please don't take this weird ...but I seriously love u and ur little guy spool much...myself and hub and 2 oil kids do!!!! There is not one night where my kids don't mention skyler in their prayers to our heavenly father! Thank u for letting us "know" ur precious skyler!
*suzie

suzie said...

Oil kids.....I meant *lil kids!! But atleast u can laugh at the thought of what oil kids wld look like...haha. greasy, oily kiddos!!

Erin said...

Crystal,

I know your answer when people ask how you do it - you have no choice. Like many of us who have had to watch our child go through cancer treatment, we have no choice. So it's not a question of "how do you do it", but more a matter of "you do it so well, with such grace". You've been dealt a tough hand, and you've shown us all what strength and attitude can accomplish.

Wishing you many thoughts and prayers and hugs for Skyler.

Erin

Briana said...

I'm also bawling. Wow. You are amazing Crystal. This was so tender to read. It's hard to comprehend all that you (and Skyler) have been through. You guys are often in our prayers. Thanks for being so inspiring. We love you guys!